A "Big" Disappointment, Pun-Intended

If I were you I'd be asking myself why I'm even reading this latest blog post.

Haven't I disappointed you all enough? Coming and going, being inconsistent, seeming like I'm ready to succeed and then failing. What a disappointment.

Well my friends, I've joined Weight Watchers again. Three weeks ago actually and so far I'm down 5 pounds. It's a start. Here's the most depressing part of it all...I weigh more than I ever have. After losing 68 pounds those few years ago, I've put it back on with some extra. Absolutely disgusting, isn't it? What kind of inspiration am I? I've lost myself. I've become distracted with temptations and vices. I am unhealthy, again.

I decided it was time to make changes. Again. It was the quote to the right that made me decide that it was time to begin again. Time to find the old me again. It was time to stop saying "I'm sorry" to both myself and to others but to really make a change in my behaviors.

Things in my life have been going pretty well. I earned tenure at the school I teach at, I finished my Master's Degree this past summer, I've moved into my own apartment, living for the first time alone, and I'm in a relationship for the first time since my divorce. Each of these items are pretty momentous in their own right. The most influential of the events listed are both moving into my own apartment and being in a relationship.

As cliché as it sounds, turning 30 was a milestone for me. I've always been one of those people who has always on the surface seemed to have had it together, but to those who know me intimately, they know that I really don't. I'm terrible with money, I've never lived alone, I rely on close friends and family a lot, and I don't ever want to grow up. Moving out on my own was a big step in the right direction. I love where I've moved - I fell in love with the building the minute I saw it. It is an old historic building that was a hotel doubled with a recording studio where a lot of famous people stayed back in the 1930's and 40's. The historic music vibe and the people in the building were incredibly welcoming and warm. It was the first space that I could make exactly my own with no outside influence. It was liberating! A new place to explore and new people to meet. Two of my favorite things! Naturally, that came along with trying new restaurants in the area and having company over at an alarming rate. This past summer was full of friends and food. All that being said, one of the great things about living on my own and restarting my weight loss journey is I do have my own space. I do not need to share a kitchen with a roommate or cook for anyone else. As I'm getting acclimated to eating differently again I can focus entirely on myself. In the past three weeks this has worked out fantastically. I cook when I want and what I want.

Turning 30 also made me think about the relationship I have. I am getting older and I have always put on the front that I do not want children or that I do not want to get married again. Truth is, I did not want children with my ex-husband. Luckily I was smart enough to realize this and ,after being together for 11 years, avoided having children. That being said, I have found someone that I do want children with some day. Let's be honest, some day means in the next 4 years...I will be in my mid-30's by then and I don't want to be an "old" mom. Finding someone that I want to have children with is a big deal. For years, I've stayed silent about how much I crave to me a stay-at-home mom and take care of my family. Oddly enough, this is not how I was raised. Everyone worked and I was given an amazing childhood, but for whatever reason this is what I want. I have been lucky enough to find a man that loves me both physically and emotionally. We aren't perfect by any means, but we know that regardless, we have each others back.

So what do these two things have to do with losing weight?

I feel that I've finally, in the past month, gained some control back. I have made decisions in the past year or two that have not been appropriate. I have lied to people, abused substances at times, and have been irresponsible. Not consistently, but even inconsistently that is not the person I know I am. When I came across the quote above I decided that when I was in control of my eating I was in control of most other aspects of my life. If you've never struggled with an eating disorder maybe this is hard for you to comprehend. When I am in control of my eating the decision I make overall are influenced. I drink incredibly yes, I have no problem telling people "no" and that being enough, I am more alert and more in tune to others around me. Getting this control back takes a level of selfishness. The first time I went through this journey I lost a lot of friends who did not support me. In fact, I was just going to mention being A Product of Your Environment but I've already written a post about that!

This post has been all over the place, hasn't it? I have a lot thoughts, especially since it's been so long since I've last blogged. Along with my goal of losing weight I'd like to get this blog back up and running like it use to be. My future posts won't be as scatterbrained as this one, but I'm sure you can understand that I have a lot to say. I've been struggling publicly with myself for the past five years and I think it's important to continue to add to this journey that I began back in 2011. I hope that as I continue to write you find things that are relatable to you. I remember a time when this blog was relatable and I let it go. It's time to bring it back.