Taking Back Control

It is no doubt I have lost it these past five months. I believe my last post was even about how I was getting back on track, however, I hadn't. I am not going to apologize that I am not one of those people who can come across clothing I wore a year ago and say they still fit. I am not going to apologize that I really don't like working out or always eating healthy. I will apologize, however, that I have not been the best motivator or “inspiration” to those people who had looked so closely to me for weight loss support and followed my journey the past three years.

School is back in which means routine is back too. I am a person that heavily relies on routine. When routine wavers, so do I. I suppose that is something I need to work on.

Today I joined a Biggest Loser contest at school that runs for 12 weeks. There are 35 of us involved in this contest and it's a really decent prize at the end of the 12 weeks. Good motivation, besides fitting back into my smaller jeans. I'm doing a lot of the same when I was doing Weight Watchers; packing my lunch for the week, heavy on veggie and protein, beginning a workout regime, every day after school, watching alcohol intake, etc. One major difference I've decided to do this time around is not seeing my actual weight.

How weird, right?

I do not want to know what my actual weight is. I want to focus on how I feel. When I was an active Weight Watcher member, I became very obsessive over the number on the scale. When I was doing all the right things, like exercising well and eating perfectly and wouldn’t see a difference in number I did not care that my pants fit better or that I could run farther or faster than the week before. It was all about the number. For me, that was not good. When I finally hit my goal weight at 125lbs, I was happy to hit the number but I was way too thin and did not look attractive to myself. I should not wear a size 0 like I did at 125lbs. I had no hips, a small chest, was just not “womanly.” I’m prideful of my curves and quite honestly, so is my husband. So, this time around I am not looking at the number. My co-worker will weigh me in each week and keep track for me. I’d like to know what I lost in pounds each week but don’t want to focus on hitting a certain weight. I know how my pants should fit and once I’m back into my 4/5’s I don’t care what the number is on the scale only that my pants fit well again.

This is a new approach for me, so I’m anxious to see how it goes. It will be nice having my co-workers doing this with me and some looking at me for support or advice because I have done this before and have still managed to keep a lot of the weight off.

It is time to take control of my body again.

Ready or Not

It's been three months since I last posted and a lot has happened in those three months, which hindered my blogging. But I feel I am ready to post and write about it.

Many of you know that my grandparents did a majority of raising me. Not taking anything away from my mother, whom I love so much, but she had me at such a young age that she took support from her parents. I lived with my Grandma and Papa until I got married at 22, with the exception of living with my mom for a few year when she was married to my sister's dad. Although I would typically go back to my grandparent's house on the weekends. Needless to say, I am extremely close with my maternal grandparents.

On March 6th, during 2nd period, I received a text message from my Aunt Teri, asking for me to call her when I get a chance. Luckily, I was on my plan time so I called right away. She informed me that they think Papa had a stroke and not to worry just yet because they were unsure of exactly what had happened at this point. Naturally, I instantly lost it at work. One of my co-workers pulled me into her office to cry and call my husband to tell him that he has to come pick me up and we need to get to the hospital.

Upon arrival to the hospital, my grandma and aunt were the only ones there yet and told us that it was not a stoke but a brain aneurysm. The doctor gave us little hope of survival, saying that only 50% of people make it this far and it only gets worse from here. Unless a miracle was to happen, I was going to lose my Papa. My God how I prayed then that it was just the stroke that I had been told they thought it was first.

I am not going to go into all of the emotional details of that day and the days that follow, but I reminded of how blessed I am to be surrounded by supportive in-laws, friends and even co-workers. I still cannot believe the support I recieved from the school I've only worked at for not even one full school year. I cannot say that I am surprised as to how strong our family is, because I already know that. I don't have a typical family setting, as my brothers and sisters are my aunts and uncles. We choose to spend a lot of our free time together, sharing a meal and/or playing games. We are luckily a big picture taking family. We figured that out when we made the photo boards for Papa's wake. We could have filled 50 boards and still had pictures left over. The running joke was if there was any picture without me and Papa and me sitting on his lap, even at the age of 27. I was Papa's girl and everyone knew it. Hey, my license plate even says it. They say parent's don't play favorites but we all know he was my favorite and I was his.

Changes followed after this. I dropped both of my Weight Watcher meetings that I was leading. I was not the spunky, lively leader at the front of the room and I wasn't sure when I'd get that back. It isn't fair for me to guide people when I myself needed some guiding. I'm not much of a talker or a crier and being around people isn't really what I wanted. So I dropped them both. And to be frank, in the weeks to follow, I cared less about my eating habits and my exercise habits. I could probably stand to lose 10-15 pounds which is what I gained since the beginning of the school year, the most of it since March 7th. I weighed in at 148 this past Monday.

Good changes follow also. I have been thinking about extending our family. I've never much cared to be called "mom" but with the loss my family has had, maybe it's soon time for a gain. That's all I'll say for now.

I've started getting back on track this week. I haven't started tracking my food just yet, but I've begun running again and working out with co-workers after school since we have access to an entire gym. I've been more conscience of what I eat and how much I eat. And drink.

We know that I am not one of those that naturally gets high from exercise and heathly eating. I have poor eating habits when I don't think about them and like most people, exercising blows. I do it because I have to, not because I want to, generally. This is why I relate to most people who struggle with their weight. I'm not even close to perfect. I have to work hard to keep motivated and I'm easily distracted. When stress hits or routine is changed or a huge piece of life is taken away too soon, sometimes relapse follows.

I'm ready to get back on track and live post-Papa. I will still struggle and I will still fall off track once in a while. But with the support around me, I will continue to succeed and I have before.

To cleanse, or not to cleanse?

I have never done a cleanse before, and quite frankly, at this exact moment, I'm not a huge fan. That's probably because I'm starving and can't do anything about it.

Why I am I doing a cleanse? It's post-holiday season and I ate a lot of foods that I only get once a year. My first holiday season when I began to lose weight, I was very strict and lost weight over the holidays. However, I focused so much on losing weight that I didn't truly enjoy myself while visiting with friends and family. All I thought about was what I can and can't have if I want to lose weight. For the last two holidays, I've been at goal (or around goal) and I've thoroughly enjoyed myself. I didn't worry about what I consumed because I knew once the holidays were over, I'd get right back on track with my normal healthy eating. For some reason, I thought doing a cleanse this post-holiday would be something new to jump start me back on my normal path of eating. All I feel like doing right now is consuming a family size pizza in bed while watching a Lifetime movie. And it's only day one.

I found this cleanse on Pinterest and it seemed like a good one because there is actual food involved, it's not just a juice cleanse. Here are the details:

Breakfast:
1 cup skim milk
1 cup berries
1 tsp peanut butter

Snack:
1 cup cucumbers
1 cup green tea

Lunch:
4 oz chicken breast
steamed spinach
2 tsp. EVOO

Snack:
10 asparagus spears
1 cup green tea

Dinner:
Same as lunch

I've only had 5 WW PointsPlus today out of my normal 26. This is giving me a great new appreciation for my typical WW plan and how much food I actually get to eat in a regular day. Today, I feel like I'm dieting, which I've never done before. I really don't know if I can handle 48 hours of this. I'm irritable and losing concentration quite easily. I cannot work out because I have no energy.

I spoke with a good friend of mine about cleanses and she's a pretty clean eater regularly plus has a rare digestive issue that causes her to really have to limit the fruits and vegetables that she consumes. She suggested a Detox Bath that she takes frequently. Instead of the lavender oil shown in the link, she uses ground ginger. I haven't taken this bath yet, but I do plan on it tonight.

I haven't decided if I'm going to finish this up or not. This is just my first go at a cleanse, maybe it's just not the one for me...? I'm not sure. Do all cleanses leave you feeling so deprived? Maybe just getting back into my normal eating routine is what I need to do, and not mess around with calorie-depriving myself. I'm not looking to lose weight, I'm just looking to get healthier foods back in my body. Certainly I don't need a cleanse to do that.